One of the surprises of parenting is learning that children actually like for their parents to set limits. Limits help children to know what to expect every day, and help them feel safe. Of course, this is hard to remember in the moment when a child is engaged in resisting even the mildest limit you’ve set, such as not going out into the rain without wearing a coat.
Children aren’t going to say thank you for setting limits—quite the opposite! On a deeper level, limits help develop young children’s sense of security. Limits will also help you feel more secure as a parent, because when you know your child is used to hearing and following guidelines from you, you will feel more comfortable in a situation where safety is an issue (such as approaching a busy street when walking together), that your child will listen rather than ignore you.
It’s important to be able to set limits and enforce consequences when limits aren’t followed. Fortunately, for young children, consequences can be simple. One technique is to give a child a “time-in” where he or she sits quietly in a chair in the same room with you for as many minutes as the child’s age—so, for example, a three-year-old would sit for just three minutes. Setting a timer to keep track of the time will work well as it helps the child connect the consequence to another cue besides the parent.
Timers can be helpful in other ways when it comes to setting limits. For example, you might tell children that there’s just ten more minutes of playtime before dinner and that when the timer goes off, they’ll need to put their toys away. This type of limit setting tends to work well because children still get what they want (more playtime), but they also practice respecting and following a limit in terms of time as well as the need to participate in another activity (dinner).
In setting limits, some rules aren’t negotiable, like holding hands with the parent when walking across the street. However, when you can find a little space to let your child contribute to the process of establishing a rule or routine, you’re likely to be met with more cooperation in the long run. Maybe your child can choose whether to put on pajamas or brush his or her teeth first at bedtime. There’s always the classic technique of setting a limit which has options built into it; for example, you might give your child two options for clothes to wear in the morning, and your child can select between those two options.
When a child has some sense of control within a larger scheme of limits, he or she is more likely to be a happier participant in the whole process of working within a routine that works for the whole family. If your child seems intent on not following limits, sometimes it can help to practice with some limits that you know he or she can follow willingly, giving you the opportunity to offer praise and support for a job well done. Giving more positive attention sometimes helps when a child is seeking attention through noncompliant behaviors around respecting limits.
