When children feel good about themselves and have a healthy sense that they are valued as people, it doesn’t mean that they have an inflated idea of themselves—instead, it means they have a realistic perception of themselves and their developing strengths. It also means that they feel OK about practicing new skills and trying and trying again when something doesn’t go their way the first time.
You can start early by responding to cues from your infant in a prompt and consistent way to help your child feel connected to you and that you’re listening to his or her needs. When a baby cries and is comforted, and when a child looks at a parent and sees a loving smile, this creates a sense of well-being that lays important groundwork for your child’s entire life.
Dr. Bill and Martha Sears, parents of eight children and longtime pediatric medicine practitioners, describe the positive and negative influences on children’s self-esteem as “builders” (positive) and “breakers” (negative). In short, you want to bring more builders into your child’s life and avoid or teach techniques to deal with breakers.
Later on in childhood, breakers are harder to avoid as children encounter more influences in the world, but for toddlers and preschoolers, breakers are typically ways that children interact with their parents. For example, as a parent, you want to avoid self-esteem breakers like teasing your child, ignoring or dismissing children’s concerns, labeling or passing judgement on children (saying things like “you’re so difficult!”), pressuring your child, and expecting and/or encouraging perfection.
One of the most important things you can do to build self-esteem in your child is to demonstrate good self-esteem in yourself. Be sure not to talk down about yourself; avoid self-deprecating humor and sarcasm because a child will internalize the negative surface-level meaning. A child looks at you as a parent as a reflection of himself or herself, so when you project that you feel good and worthy as a person, you reflect a positive image for your child.
Another useful activity is to take a moment to consider the way that you were parented and jot down the things that your parents did that helped you feel better about yourself—and then jot down the things they did that were breakers. In your own parenting, you can consciously practice doing the kinds of things that your parents did that helped you, and avoiding any behaviors that were unsupportive.
Prioritizing one-on-one time with your child helps build self-esteem. A good way to do this is to simply make sure you’re spending time playing with your child. When you share playtime, your attention tells your child that he or she is valuable to you and worth your time. Set aside your phone or other electronics to give your child your undivided attention.
During playtime, try letting your child initiate activities. Making choices helps a young child feel stronger and more secure in himself or herself. Find other opportunities for toddlers or young children to make choices, too, such as which lunch option to eat or which jacket to wear. Even making very small choices can help young children feel good about themselves.
One final tip is to use your child’s name in a positive way, not just when disciplining your child. It feels good for people of all ages to hear their own name, so be sure to use your child’s name in everyday conversation, and especially when thanking your child or pointing out something positive about his or her behavior.
